Over the years of adulting, I have been fighting to build and retain different habits. I have failed miserably at it repeatedly.

I went to the gym for years and years and then suddenly I left it since I fall into the adult busyness of life, as a result, I gained weight again and the worse is that I lost the habit.

In recent months, I started off eating healthier — zero sugar, less coffee, more water, zero junk food.

I did this for six months straight, then I had to move out, and the habit fell apart. I wasn't able to get up again.

I have felt like a loser. I felt guilty.

I have thought that I am not a disciplined person. I have also thought the lack of discipline and courage are the reasons why I am not able to retain a habit.

Yet, there’s research that shocked me, which reveals that 90% of people who undergo heart bypass surgeries don't change their lifestyle. Even though when they know they have a very bad disease — when their lives are on the line.

Let’s dive into the main reasons why we fail through the journey of building and sticking to habits.

1. The wrong reasons to change

Understanding our motivations for changing is critical if we really want that change to stick.

Quite often our decision to make a change is influenced by someone’s else change. Let’s break it down with a few cases.

While you are lost on the endless scrolling on your favorite social network you suddenly see that one of your friends has built a six-pack — and also the chubby girl you knew now is fitter and she looks so good.

Just after seen it, you feel motivated to try it. You build the momentum based on it.

Now, when it comes to writing, you notice how a writer has built a six-figure income writing on Medium or elsewhere, and you instantly feel motivated so you commit to starting to write daily to reach the same goal as those successful writers.

Sadly, a few days, weeks, or months later you give up.

Another case to bring up is when you want to build the coding habit for the wrong reasons. So more sooner than later you will quit.

In every field you could imagine, it basically happens the same.

Your brain quickly tells you. Hey dude! you can do the same if you want.

The sad truth is that if you are doing it for the wrong reasons, no doubt that in a few weeks or months you will quit and get frustrated as the heck.

Takeaway

Keep in mind that building and retaining a habit is a project. So you have to plan it out ahead.

A small and effective planning and preparation are crucial factors to build and stick to a habit.

Before jumping into the new habit you need to visualize and feel how that change will impact your life. Otherwise, your destiny is clear — You will fail.

I highly recommend you find clarity first. Ask yourself this question who the heck would I want to be?. Once you have clarity the habit you are trying to build will make or not a lot of sense. It will be aligned with the kind of person you want to be.

2. Focusing on instant rewards and outcomes

I dare to say that most of us more than one time have wanted instants results on every new change. We need them as proof we are moving forward.

When we starting out to getting shape we become obsessed with the mirror. We take advantage of every mirror we come across everywhere to see results. We are looking for proof and instant gratification.

We are so badly obsessed to see notable results. The sad truth is that we won't see them in the short term.

While it is true we need to track and monitor our progress this should be done in a way that doesn't make us fall into obsession and anxiety.

How to handle that wrong focus?

If you followed the advice of find clarity first, you are one step ahead.

On top of that, the most important factor is that you need to acknowledge that starting at square zero and going from point A to B will require you considerable time. Don’t look for shortcuts at all.

Finally, embrace the fact that in the process you are not only developing the habit you are working on but there are also other hidden habits you are building under the hood.

3. The habit should be healing you rather than hurting you

When we are creating new habits there are two crucial factors that play a big role in building them and retaining them. — The way you start and the time you commit to doing it.

You start too big

I remember the first two weeks when I started off to went to the gym. I was too obsessed with it. I did work out for about four hours and then I rode on a bicycle from the gym to my house for about one hour. It was an exhausting journey.

I was starting out too big. The process was hurting my body and mind.

This is one of the biggest problems I have seen over my closest friends and family when they wanted to start building a new habit.

You commit too much time

Even if you have enough time to do it you shouldn't. Why?

If you are like me who had tried several times to build and retain habit you know the same feeling and you will agree with the next.

Building new habits and most importantly retain them will require months and years.

So it doesn't matter if you do it eight times a day for two weeks only and then leave it.

As you will have realized, both the way you start and the time you commit to doing the habit are the factors that determine if the habit will hurt or heal you in the process.

4. Relying on Motivation — Motivation is Garbage

As Mel Robbins says,

At some point, we all bought into this lie that you’ve got to feel ready in order to change. Motivation is garbage.

Building a habit upon motivation is wrong. Motivation fades away as long as time goes. It is momentary and random. It is fleeting.

Dont forget we are just humans. Some days we are copped with motivation and the next day we don't feel like it. So why do we need to fall into it? is something to leverage in the long run?

No matter how many books you read, how many videos you watch about motivation and inspiration. After doing that, you will realize you are alone again with your fears, insecurities, worries, and doubts.

Takeaway

Use motivation as the pusher to force yourself to go even faster or to make the first step which is quite often the hardest part.

Build self-discipline instead. Even when you don't want to do something since you are not motivated, discipline will remind and force you to do it and as result, you will be one step closer to your goals.

5. Trying to build it alone

Quite often we believe that if we build a new habit in a hidden way it will be less painful if we fail.

Then once we achieved it we will be ready to share it and showing up our achievements to the world out there.

The sad truth is that it won't happen. You will quickly quit in a hidden way so nobody will notice it so that your world will remain the same. This is the biggest trap.

Whenever we want to build something that forces us to get out of our comfort zone we are afraid to share it with the world. Even when we know those are great intentions to become better.

Takeaway

Whenever we want to start a new habit share it out there. Make it public for the sake of you. I bet you will find power and encouragement.

Final Thoughts

I know it, my friend. Change is really hard at the best of times. But change is the only constant to become better and arrive at the port we have decided to park.

In the run of building a habit, I bet to say that you have failed countless times like me. But that’s fine, it has built part of our maturity.

From now on, before jumping into the new habits make sure isn't based on the wrong reasons.

Also, once and for all, stop focusing on instants results, when it comes to building things from scratch they dont exist yet.

Good changes require effort to adopt, build and retain them.

Finally, make sure the habit is healing you and is helping you to become a better self. A habit shouldn't hurt you. It should heal you.

Thanks for reading!